PPD + PTSD: And Here I Thought I Was Fine

NICU
This post has been a long time coming, but I have to admit — I’ve been avoiding it like the plague.  I started writing this post one year ago and I find that this is still a difficult subject for me to wrap my head around.
In college, I read a story called The Yellow Wallpaper  by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.  In the story, a woman is taken to a hideaway by her husband and imprisoned there after the birth of their child. During her stay, she slowly goes insane, hearing voices and seeing faces behind the yellow wallpaper. This story is about much more than a woman and a decorating decision gone awry. This is a story about postpartum depression and the fears and stigma surrounding it, much of which still exist today.

Going into my pregnancy, I feared PPD.  I have a family history of mental illnesses, and I have some personal experiences to draw from, as well.  I was monitored by the high-risk team that cared for me and Jane and Emma throughout my pregnancy, and they watched me like a hawk when I went into the hospital to deliver.  I was given a checklist, visited by social workers, and deemed fit to leave with no threat of severe depression after 4 short days.

Milestones Schmilestones

adjusted age
Last week I wrote about the milestones that my little ladies have been achieving.  According to our doctor, they are far ahead of where they should be.  I thought it would be beneficial to compile some information about milestones so that no one would be confused, considering there are different achievements for different ages and according to birth stories.

My twins were born 8 weeks premature.  Therefore, their milestones fall on a different scale than full-term babes.  Now, I've always been a watcher.  When we had a scale, I was on it every day.  When I was pregnant with Jane and Emma, I was on TheBump.com every week comparing the babies to fruits and veggies.  So when I was told that their milestones will lag behind those of a full-term baby, I threw my hands up in despair!  I no longer watch for milestones.  Here's why.

Emma comforting Jane the night before her surgery.
Each and every baby is an individual.  Each baby has 2 different individuals for parents.  Each parent has individual grandparents, different caregivers, etc.  What your baby does relies on how you treat and care for him or her. 

For example, according to the adjusted age chart, Jane and Emma, at 4 weeks adjusted (aka 12 weeks for my girls), should be able to look at a toy when you put it in front of their faces; make a face in response to sound; have their heads sag forward when sitting; clench their hands when you touch them; vaguely acknowledge you; stare at surroundings, but not really notice them; and stop and look back at someone who is looking at them.

According to BabyCenter.com, full-term babies that are 3 months old should smile at you; imitate your expressions; babble at you; lift their heads and chest when on their bellies; shake toys; swat at dangling objects; push down with legs when you hold them in standing position; closely track objects that are interesting to them; focus intently on faces; and recognize you from across the room. 

Hershey and I are very good at reading to the girls, talking to the girls, and walking them around to socialize.  They have tummy time daily, and I hold them upright most of the time so that they can practice holding up their heads.  We hold toys up for them, offer them pacifiers, and speak to them in adult tones (instead of baby babble).  With all of that, the girls are closer to the adjusted 8 week and even almost normal 12 week milestones! 

Jane and Emma, recognizing me and smiling away!
 I think that parents should review milestones, and then throw them out the window.  Regard your baby as an individual, and follow his or her cues when it comes to actions and interactions.  Exercise is of utmost importance, for the mind, body, and soul.  They need to practice holding their heads up just as much as they need to practice socializing with people other than you and your spouse!  If you look at the 3 month milestone of SMILING, and your LO is not smiling, then it may be cause for concern, and worth mentioning to your practitioner.  Otherwise, follow your parental instincts and help your babe do whatever it is he or she wants to do.  

Jane is smaller than average, and she had some setbacks from birth, but today she lays on her belly and grunts and moans and squeals and then against all odds, she picks her head STRAIGHT UP and stares you dead in the eyes, holding her head up for 10-30 seconds before smashing it back down on your chest and starting over again.

Jane picking her head up at 10 weeks
Listen to your baby.  They know what's up.

Have a great weekend!  Happy twinning!

Life's a Beach

adjusted age

Tonight is the eve of my LO's 3 month birthday, and we are in sunny Avalon, NJ, with my hubby's family for vacation.  A few fun things happened this month that are worth mentioning.


First, Emma broke the 8 pound mark!  She's finally a REAL BABY!  Jane is not far behind at around 7 lbs.  Since they are gaining weight and the momentum of their weight gain has increased, we also got the OK to do away with one feeding a night!  So instead of waking the girls up at midnight, 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., they wake us up when they are hungry.  Our new feeding schedule is 9 p.m. and then around 1 a.m., 5 a.m. and then I get the girls up for the day at 9 a.m.  Woohoo!  Three hour sleep sessions every night!


Peacefully sleeping in the Big Girl Bed.

Last week, the heat in NJ broke and I have been able to start bringing the girls out for walks.  Hershey patiently built my Baby Jogger City Select and we were OFF!  We took walks every morning last week and have begun making walks a part of our daily routine.  The girls really enjoy the fresh air, even though they usually sleep through the walks.  And I love bragging about them ("Yes, they are twins, yes I take them out all by myself, yes they are the cutest things EVER!").

Walking at the Duck Pond in B'Field
Strolling at the Marina in Avalon

We also are now allowed to SOCIALIZE!  With that great news, we planned our trip to Avalon, packed up the car, and got on the road to attend my sister-in-law's bridal shower, where the ladies got their first look at the bay!

Janey gazing out at the water.

Aunt Heather with Emmy.

Janey saying 'hi' to her Godfather (aka the Groom), Uncle Brett.

Jane with Grandma, looking out at the boats.

Emma loves her Aunt Heather (aka her Godmother, aka the Bride).

In addition to all of this excitement, the girls have met several milestones.  Being that they were 8 weeks premature, they have what is called an "adjusted age".  Their original due date was July 6th, which makes their "adjusted age" actually four weeks.  That being said, they should be meeting the same milestones as a 4 week old baby.  However, they are developmentally very far ahead!  They have begun smiling, holding up their own heads, chewing on and being entertained by things other than their choopies (aka pacifiers), and practicing sitting up!  They also track Hershey and I around the room when they hear our voices, recognize our faces, and coo in an attempt to communicate. It is SO COOL!

Noms, Sophie, you taste NUMMY!
Good morning, Mama!  I know you!  Thanks for the Big Girl bed slumber party this morning!

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Every breath you take...every move you make.......

I'll be back later this week with more pictures and stories, because I have many!  If you have questions about anything or are curious about the products that I am using, feel free to leave me a comment.

Hope that you have a great week!  Happy twinning!

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Cute baby feets to brighten your week!

Sh*t Just Got Real

announcing a pregnancy
On November 2, 2012, I took a pregnancy test on a whim.  My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a month, and I was pretty sure that our efforts had been in vain.

Hershey (yes, my husband's name is Hershey) was helping his grandfather with a Hurricane Sandy clean up job in Ridgefield Park, and I was home alone.  Our electricity had just been restored, and I ran to the store to pick up some staples.  While I was there, I bought a pregnancy test thinking, 'Can't hurt!'  When I got home, I unwrapped the package and got busy peeing.  I figured that I could go put my groceries away while I waited for the answer.

I was pulling up my pants when I saw it.

Oh sh*t...

Couldn't possibly have registered that fast!  I took it again.  Again, within seconds it was positive.  I started to sweat.

I picked up the phone and dialed Hershey's cell number.  Voicemail.  I dialed again.  Voicemail.

I grabbed my keys and downed another glass of water.  I ran to CVS, my thought process being, 'Maybe those tests are old, since I bought them at an A&P.  I mean, how many people buy pregnancy tests at A&P?  It probably has been sitting on the shelf forever.  They must be dysfunctional.'

While I was at CVS, I purchased a few other items, JUST IN CASE this was the real deal.  I bought a blank gift card, a rattle, and a gift bag, and ANOTHER pregnancy test.  I was now $40 in the hole.  This had better work.

When I got home, I ran to the bathroom, my hands shaking.  I peed again.  And again.  Both positive.  I was now looking at four positive pregnancy tests on my bathroom counter.  I called Hershey again.  Voicemail.

That was the longest five hours of my life.  When Hershey finally called, I urged him to hurry home.  I had been sitting on this news for five hours, and I was going to explode all over my living room soon. 

As soon as Hershey walked through the door, I thrust the gift bag into his hands.  

"What's this?"

"Just because you're a good husband."

"You didn't have to buy me-"

"JUST OPEN IT!"

I watched as a look of confusion crossed his face when he pulled out the rattle.  Then he read the card, and looked at me.  

Telling Hershey...

"Are you serious?"

I was crying.  That was all he needed to see.

We grabbed each other and hugged and kissed, and then he said, "I have to go take a shower."  He was covered in mold and asbestos from his clean up efforts.  I followed him into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, not wanting to be alone for another minute!

I excitedly made the appointment to go to the doctor the following week.  On Monday, November 5, 2012, my OB-GYN confirmed what 4 pregnancy tests had hinted ("Four?  You took four?  Why so many?") -- we had a little bun in the oven...

This was how we told our parents

One week later, during a lockdown drill at school, I felt something warm.  I knew I wasn't peeing myself, so I started to suspect the worst.  25 minutes later, I was on my way to my doctor's office, my mother in the passenger seat.  As the doctor found the sac that the baby was in, I saw a look of confusion cross her face.

DOCTOR:  Do twins run in your family?

ME:  No.

DOCTOR:  In your husband's?

ME:  WTF DO YOU SEE IN THERE???

As she turned the screen towards me, I was unsure of what I was looking at.  

DOCTOR:  Well, you're having TWINS!

The image that changed our life

ME:  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!??!?!?!?!?!

DOCTOR:  Maybe I'll give you a few minutes to let this sink in.

ME:  WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M HAVING TWINS?  I LIVE IN A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT, WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT TWO BABIES??!!?!

That was the beginning of our journey.  I called Hershey at work to give him the news.  In front of a room full of 8th graders, he almost yelled out a myriad of obscenities.  It took a little while for the news to settle in.  Our family was about to DOUBLE.  

Jane & Emma sharing secrets

Fast forward to today.  We are both off from school for the summer, and caring for our beautiful twin girls, who were due July 6th but arrived May 13th.  This blog will be dedicated to Jane and Emma.  I plan to offer advice, commiserate with those of you who are going through where I have been, and hopefully help you laugh in the process.  Let's face it -- it's difficult to get through this life if you can't keep your sense of humor.  Our home is filled with love and laughter, and I hope to be able to share some of that with you.  

In addition to now being a mom, I'm also a wife and a teacher, so I'll not only be writing candidly about my adventures in parenthood, but about what it means for me to be a wife, and how I'm surviving marriage, as well as some of my forays in the classroom, because teaching is my next obsession in life (after my husband and daughters, of course)!

Me and the love of my life
Me doing what I love

Feel free to peruse my blog for anything that you are interested in.  If you're interested in teaching, tune out my mommyhood ramblings.  If you want nothing to do with teaching, focus on the parent-ville posts.  Hopefully everyone can find something on my blog that will help or entertain them, and hopefully you will want to come back frequently

Happy twinning!

Happy 2 Month Birthday, Emma (L) and Jane (R)!

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